WillThur - WPTC News: Eggs

from crab by Pxtunes

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From WPTC News in Arizona, I'm Crab Thursday, and this is... wha? No, NO, HEY!

What are you doing!? Stop! No no no no! Don't lay eggs in there, that's our coffee machine! Eh-Borro! Eh-Borro! Please, get them to stop! Eh-Borro! It's too late! No, stop!!

(suspicious crab sounds)

Hey, no smoking in... how do crabs even smoke? Wait, is that a bong?? (sniffs) Are you smoking pot? (sheepish crab sounds)
(sighs) Pass it. (crab social approval sounds)

(extremely long bong rip, crab encouragement turns to crab shock then crab concern)

(loud coughs) Where did you get that? Oh my g- it tastes like soap! It- ughh! I'm appalled, this is not good stuff. This is gonna put people in the hospital!

(sighs) Beginning last week, WPTC news is under new management. I will be stepping down from my position. (angry crab interjection) I- I can't quit? (crab intimidation) Yeah, I know I'm the only human who can speak- (crab demands) I have a second job! (crab dismissal) No, I just can't quit that one, you guys pay me in eggs. (crab protests continue...) What am I gonna buy with eggs?? I'm an elementary school music teacher, I have lesson plans. You want me to just give up on my students? Don't you raise your growls at me. You know what, no no no no no, I'm tired of this, I started this studio, I paid for all this equipment, I brought it all from home, I raised it to what it is today, and you think can just walk in here, lay all the eggs you want? You ripped up all the floors, you dug holes in the linoleum, you dug holes in the concrete, how do you do that? How do you dig holes in the concrete? I don't know, I don't even care, the problem is, there are eggs everywhere, there are eggs in the coffee machine, there are eggs in the toilet, there are eggs in my seat! I sat down today and you laid eggs in my seat! That is not okay, that is a violation of my privacy! I sit in this chair, and there are eggs in my chair- no, stop, stop talking to me, stop, listen! There are eggs in my chair! Why are there eggs in my chair?! You Laid Eggs in my chair! You! You laid eggs! You laid the eggs that I am sitting in right now!

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from crab, released March 19, 2023

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