From WPTC News in Arizona, I'm WillThur, and this is All The Things We Considered.

Through a series of poorly executed broadcasts, an ancient crab species announced its presence and control over the country. Not only is it appalling that they managed to replace our government, but they did so in a highly disorganized manner. Dr. Uh-Rah-Eh Eh-Borro, professor of carcinology, high priestess, and mother of 100,000, stated "We will release our control over your primitive society if you send forth a formidable gladiator to fight against me in a battle of your choice."

Given the nature of our wonderful democracy, the people of pxtone chose me as their formidable gladiator. To make matters worse, Zlonice proposed a rap battle. Since ScarletLotus isn't here to write lyrics for me, the fate of our coutnry was sealed since the conception of this bad idea.

Eh-Borro, start us off.

(mind-blowing crab bars)

(familiar cry)
Willthur: Jezebel, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in class!
Jezebel: I was worried about you, mister. I was worried.
Willthur: Worried about me?
Jezebel: Yeah, worried!
Willthur: Okay, wh- what are you doing here?
(children cheer)
Willthur: What are you all doing here!?
Student: We wanted to help you! Yo, rap this mister.
Willthur: The lament of Gilgamesh??
Student: Yes mister, it's the only way you'll win the rap battle mister!

Cannot bear what happened to my friend (friend!),
cannot bear what happened to Enkidu.
I roam the wilderness in deep grief (grief!),
how can my mind have any sleep (sleep!).
My beloved friend, turned into clay (clay!),
beloved Enkidu, turned into clay (clay!),
Won't I too lie down in the dirt (dirt!)
like him, succumb to the hurt? (hurt!)

Children: Okay guys! Mister, mister get down!
(gunfire)
Willthur: No!! What are you guys doing! Where did you get guns!?
Children: Yeah! Woooo!!
Willthur: The studio, you guys are blowing up the studio! Guys, stop! What are you doing!
Children: We're savin the country!
Willthur: Guys, the crabs are bulletproof!
Children: No they're not!
Willthur: You're not doing anything! Stop, stop, Jezebel, put down the gun. Put down the gun.
Jezebel: No! No! No!
(gunfire stops)
Willthur: Guys, stop, stop, the crabs are bulletproof! They're bulletproof!

Willthur: Okay. This needs to stop. Jezebel, why did you resort to violence?
Jezebel: I- I don't know...
Willthur: Okay. Eh-Borro, how do you feel?
Eh-Borro: (crab regret)
Willthur: Okay, umm... here's the deal. Nobody's in trouble. We're just gonna forget about this but, Jezebel, you need to apologize to Dr. Uh-Rah-Eh Eh-Borro.
Jezebel: Sorry...
Eh-Borro: (crab reciprocation)
Willthur: Thank you, thank you Eh-Borro, it's okay, I can rebuild the studio. Just fix our government, put it back together the way it was, and we'll call it even. Sound good?
Eh-Borro: (crab agreement)
Willthur: Okay, sweet. Umm... WPTC News: Arizona